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Livertalk

by Bucky Harris

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1.
Ratcatcher 02:06
Well the rats came round to have a go at this tired skin of mine again Though I fought them off it took every ounce of my strength before they fled Exhausted and lost in my ways I damn near welcomed the decay No! Get up and go! Give me some peace and quiet, respite from violent thoughts that chase me in my sleep Woah… I’m afraid of all the things I lack So won’t you hold… me close before these lungs collapse Broken bones, open sores, blood runs from my lips as they crack. No… I don’t know if I can hold it, if I can hold it back When the rats came back, yeah I thought to myself “this is the end and I’m strangely at ease”. But as their teeth sunk in, it was like something awoke, a new clarity born from pain! Abandoned though I had long felt I found something once dead in myself No! Get up and go! I’ll seize the quiet, command the silence, make a real home from this hell Woah… I’m afraid of all the things I lack So won’t you hold… me close before these lungs collapse Broken bones, open sores, blood runs from my lips as they crack. No… I don’t know if I can hold it, if I can hold it back
2.
4 seconds in! 4 seconds out! Deep breaths but I’m still choking, it don’t seem to matter how much air I move through these lungs This room spins round Your mouth goes numb I got gorillas pounding at my chest, oh how they hate to see me sleep... Now I have the pleasure of greeting nightly terrors, haunted by half-memories that are best not remembered (I will fall asleep to the sound of a thousand drums) Now each day I’m woken by the crushing weight of panic, grappling with worries that arrive with the sun. (Watch it burn) Every breath catches in my throat, Quiet moment meet defining roar. Try as I might for peaceful nights, there’s a monster at the door The pressure builds behind my eyes, Erupts to face the morning light I try to rise and gain momentum, but the tiniest rock’s enough to stall the engine Try as I might to set clear sights, I was born with blurry eyes I feel it gnawing through my skull, Nervous energy, my only ready fuel 4 seconds in! Or is it all just my head, a self-fulfilling prophecy, the end result of every doubt I’ve left unchecked 4 seconds out! Or am I not beyond repair? Maybe I just got comfortable with this disaster identity. Now I have the pleasure of greeting nightly terrors, haunted by half-memories that are best not remembered Now each day I’m woken by the crushing weight of panic, grappling with worries that arrive with the sun. Every breath catches in my throat, Quiet moment meet defining roar. Try as I might for peaceful nights, there’s a monster at the door The pressure builds behind my eyes, Erupts to face the morning light I try to rise and gain momentum, but the tiniest rock’s enough to stall the engine Try as I might to set clear sights, I was born with blurry eyes I feel it gnawing through my skull, Nervous energy, the only ready fuel
3.
It arrives with the dawn Starts with a numbness in my lips As I brace for the fight, The ground beneath me slips. So I scream and claw, at these intangible frights I reach out for purchase as lifelines swing by But these horrors make head spin, if I could only hold them in my sights… Maybe I’d be alright. Won’t you stay… just a minute more. Cause it’s so cold… and tough to endure. Fuck old gods, I’ve got this alcohol, I’m well acquainted with my saints. But when the wolves came round, they ripped out my lungs, Proclaimed you’re never gonna sing again! I said “wait, all I’ve got are these tales, and a few left to tell”. (gangs) A few to tell… This road seems so long And yet I know it far too well As I retrace my steps These familiar faces, they scowl So I bite and kick, more terror than fight, I reach out as each empty bottle floats by But I’ve traveled this path before, and I’ll soon return, it’s just a matter of time… Old habits won’t die. Won’t you stay… just a minute more. Cause it’s so cold… and tough to endure. Fuck old gods, I’ve got this alcohol, I’m well acquainted with my saints. But when the wolves came round, they ripped out my throat, Proclaimed you’re never gonna sing again! I said “wait, all I’ve got are these tales, and one left to tell”. Fuck old gods, I’ve got this alcohol, I’m well acquainted with my saints. But when the wolves came round, they ripped out my tongue, Proclaimed you’re never gonna sing again! I said “wait, all I’ve got are these tales, but none left to tell”.
4.
I’ve been destitute but never broke beyond repair A hollow body is an shell empty 'til it finds purpose in the air So fuck fresh starts, all fairytales, false hope and make-believe, I'll double down on this weary body to see what it might bring I’ll open up, knowing I’m bound to fall, And when the concrete tears this flesh, I’ll paint a portrait with the blood I’ll try again, expecting the same results But when that blood it dries, I’ll have made something to call my own Woah... when they built this body, they used 90% spare parts But they made the mistake of giving it a boiler room for a heart I’ve got a deviated septum and a pocketful of wild ideas But I’ve developed quite a talent for building something outta broken things So if you say I’ve lost my touch In my defense I never had it And though you claim that I’m coming undone Well, it was always a part of the package ‘Cause if you wanna know the honest truth, I think composure is fucked and symmetry is kinda dull... I mean for what it’s worth I’ve been destitute but never broke beyond repair A hollow body is an empty until it finds purpose in the air So fuck fresh starts, all fairytales, false hope and make believe, I double down on this weary body to see what it might bring I’ll swim out to sea, knowing the waves are far too tall, And sure I’ll probably drown, but there’s a chance that I might just evolve I’ll try again, when this body washes up ashore Cause as the water leaves your lungs, it’s almost as if you’ve been reborn. Woah... when they built this body, they used 90% spare parts But they made the mistake of giving it a boiler room for a heart I’ve got a deviated septum and a pocketful of wild ideas But I’ve developed quite a talent for building something outta broken things So if you say I’ve lost my touch In my defense I never had it And though you claim that I’m coming undone Well, it was always a part of the package ‘Cause if you wanna know the honest truth, I think composure is fucked and symmetry is kinda dull… Woah I know it feels hopeless trying But in the absence of callings There’s a certain beauty in broken things Every torn seam I know it feels hopeless trying But in the absence of callings There’s a certain beauty in broken things Every torn seam… and each mistake!
5.
Dawn Treader 02:47
Brother, I look on in disbelief, I’m impressed at the way, with ease you navigate, this room of kindly faces that shake to my core Sister, tell me where you find the words, to keep them alive, these conversations, I’m in awe of the strength… behind those steady eyes. I wait for the lion, to rip through this hide, When dragonskin tears, there’s a child inside, Slice me from head to toe and be amazed by what you find! Fear makes me blind, so open my eyes, Loneliness aches, and perpetuates in kind So won’t you take out your knife, and locate my spine? I guess you could say I seek deliverance, just one helping hand, that don’t burn as soon as I touch it. There’s comfort in this solitude, but it swallows me whole. Cause here’s the fucking about camarederie, It appeals from afar but at my touch it seems to crumble. Am I just getting old? I don’t remember it being this hard. I wait for the lion, to rip through this hide, When dragonskin tears, there’s a child inside, Slice me from head to toe and be amazed by what you find! Fear makes me blind, so open my eyes, Loneliness aches, and perpetuates in kind So won’t you take out your knife, and locate my spine? When we combine, we open skies, we could conquer hell. I wait for the lion, to rip through this hide, When dragonskin tears, there’s a child inside, Slice me from head to toe and be amazed by what you find! Fear makes me blind, so open my eyes, Loneliness aches, and perpetuates in kind So won’t you take out your knife, and locate my spine?
6.
Capsized 02:51
I go back to the place where the water starts by kissing my toes, before creeping up to cover my face, I’m lost to the river And I don’t know if I’ve got the strength To pull this weary body to shore, Before the rhythm offers a final embrace. The current flows heavy, I get carried away, (far from home) This riverbank’s rocky, how it tears at my skin, (when I reach out) But the water it rushes, it lulls me to sleep, it promises quiet, eternal and deep, I can’t deny the appeal I go back to the place where the water starts by kissing my toes, before creeping up to cover my face, I’m lost to the river And I don’t know if I’ve got the strength To pull this weary body to shore, Before the rhythm offers a final embrace. The rain begins falling, a cool cloth on my brow, (it soothes me) Above and below now, the water’s closing in, (and I let it) Do I swallow it down, or am I out of my head, A thin line between peace and eternal regret, So I give one more kick…. I go back to the place where the water starts by kissing my toes, before creeping up to cover my face, I’m lost to the river And I don’t know if I’ve got the strength To pull this weary body to shore, Before the rhythm offers a final embrace. Hold me close! Cause I have forgotten the way. The boats we row, are so quick to capsize in this drink. Hold me close! Cause I have forgotten the way. The boats we row, are so quick to capsize in this drink.
7.
Devilspeak 03:03
Hold fast that tongue lest it scorn you Quick temper robs sharp wit of its virtue Swallow that knife before cuts through Shut your fucking mouth or hear your devils speak first Shut your fucking mouth or hear your devils speak first There’s only so many demons a man can fucking kill You beat one down another rears its head, asserts its will 'Cause all this love is not enough To balance out the hate you feel. You hurt what you love! Burn what you touch! Empires rise and they fall in this chest every day A peaceful state comes undone, replaced by dictates of pain But with these lungs I’ll overcome Or exile myself from what I love If you can’t beat it down, Then you can’t open up It’s coming, coming back again. Bottled, conditioned, served to friends and kin You let the pressure build then unleash disaster A slave to your faults, the most cunning of masters, Rage is happy to sleep, but it fucking loves to wake. It grows So slow In my throat It’s not a battle within, but cowardice come alive Fears manifest they lash out, weakness personified, But you can’t grow, if you won’t kill The ugliness in yourself Hate is a vice! Rage is a crutch! It’s coming… coming back again. Bottled, conditioned, served to friends and kin You let the pressure build then unleash disaster A slave to your faults, the most cunning of masters, Rage is happy to sleep, but it fucking loves to wake. It’s coming, it's coming, it's coming, It's coming, it's coming, Hold fast that tongue lest it scorn you Quick temper robs sharp wit of its virtue Swallow that knife before cuts through Shut your fucking mouth or hear your devils speak first
8.
The Gates 03:02
Blood that’s long been soiled, Yeah it’s starting to feel clean, Open wounds are finally shut, Though scar tissue remains I trace it with my fingers, To remind myself of past mistakes Hands do tremble As I remember Shame crashes over in waves that sting A familiar ebb and flow I’ve constructed myself such a fortress strong But it echoes with every blow The balance that I’ve struck it holds But it would only take a well placed nudge Sirens bottled Freed they throttle Wait, wait There’s something at the gates, You can hear its heavy breathing as it’s clawing at the paint Too late, too late There’s no keeping it at bay, the door begins to splinter, you can hear it as it sings: I’m so glad I found you, You must’ve been so damn scared, did you wander off and forget you left me, Sitting there on that shelf Now that I’ve got my arms around you, I’m gonna sing you back to sleep, I’ll nurse every one of those bad habits You neglected without me Days I’ve counted more than once, Never do add up, The thing about new beginnings, Is that there’s always another one There’s peace in this equilibrium Pride in not having to abstain Self-determined Or deluded? Wander right back, same old path, slip on through Once removed I can see the trap I fall into Wander right back, same old path, slip on through As if on cue Wait, wait There’s something at the gates, You can hear its heavy breathing as it’s clawing at the paint Too late, too late There’s no keeping it at bay, the door begins to splinter, you can hear it as it sings: I’m so glad I found you, You must’ve been so damn scared, did you wander off and forget you left me, Sitting there on that shelf Now that I’ve got my arms around you, I’m gonna sing you back to sleep, I’ll nurse every one of those bad habits You neglected without me Without me
9.
Drop D - Self Portraits It’s the same old tired threat The absence of purpose I’m trying to forge some routines, But in search of consistency I keep stumbling over familiar roots Patterns breed boredom, now ain’t that the fucking truth I feel it in my throat It grows, it grows, it grows Living in my mind, there’s a version of me He’s the picture of health and by all means he looks happy The funny thing is that the bastard never fucking speaks Cut your losses, and start all over Maybe this time, you’ll get a little further Burn your clothes, they’ve been weighing you down, There’s a suit on hold that we’ve been saving for just this moment It’s the same old tired thread This inevitable restlessness I keep falling back into my old ways Improvement is exhausting, now ain’t that the fucking truth I feel it in my throat It grows, it grows, it grows Living in my mind, there’s a version of me He’s the picture of health and by all means he looks happy So why is that his smile gives me the creeps
10.
Incisions 02:10
There’s earnesty in his eyes To mask the privilege he denies The hurt to which he lays claim Have you ever seen guilt that’s been weaponized Oh my god, it’s getting old, Have another tissue for your bloody nose You’ll never learn if you won’t address the ugliness you keep inside Armed with well-worn defenses, Your tired alibis The way you wield these friendships Human shields and blinding lights You preach your best intentions but you reek of appetites You dodge responsibility So why don’t we crack open that skull, And have a quick look around inside There’s sadness in his eyes And a fear of being vilified But the pain to which he lays claim, Supersedes the needs of everyone in his life Oh my god, it’s getting old, Self-pity elevated to an art form. You’ll never grow if you can’t own the ugliness you keep inside! Dig into your flesh until there ain’t nothing left, Peel the paint from the mirrors Purge yourself of everything you’ve learned up ‘til now; That little voice, it’s every breath is toxic. Armed with well-worn defenses, Your tired alibis The way you wield these friendships Human shields and blinding lights You preach your best intentions but you reek of appetites You dodge responsibility So why don’t we crack open that skull, And have a quick look around inside
11.
By Lamplight 02:01
A deep tired (so tired) Apathetic I’m sick of chasing of dreams like a mule to a carrot All I know is that I wish I knew far more Self-lies (so divine) Old relics Disappointment breeds within cyclical habits All I know is that I’m sure I’ve said quite enough Please hold on tight There’s possibility in the dark So little goes right There’s possibility in the certainty and liberty that before you lies an infinite expanse, In which you might shine bright I awake in the throws of, Panic attacks that won’t budge I reach for hands these gone missing I stumble from my bed to Seek solace from old friends who Honestly I can’t bear to call Please hold on tight There’s possibility in the dark So little goes right There’s possibility in the certainty and liberty that before you lies an infinite expanse. In which you might shine bright We’ll burn it down We’ll burn it down We’ll burn it down We’ll burn it down
12.
Roadmaps 02:34
I take these pills to keep me sane But what if they’re the reason that I never change Maybe Bandaids only serve to hide old scars That form a roadmap to better days Have I obscured that which from I should learn Chosen comfort for fear of these burns Have I adapted to survive or have I grown numb to my own self-deceit Open skies, do terrify, robbing the breath from my lungs Oh yes I swear, this canvas does inspire, but it also shakes me to my core Opened wide, these eyes do spy that I am oh so very small… The beauty isn’t lost on me but the perspective swallows me whole. I take these pills to keep me sane But what if they’re the reason I never change Maybe Bandaids only serve to hide old scars That form a roadmap to better days Have I obscured that which from I should learn Chosen comfort for fear of these burns Have I adapted to survive or have I grown numb to my own self-deceit Starry nights, how you ignite, but as to what… I can’t be quite sure. I feel numb, as if your sparkle’s been dulled, familiar tears refuse to wet my eyes Startled by my own admission, I wonder if I am to blame… The help I sought did save my life but in safety are we meant to remain? A fence now blocks the precipice… but where do I go from here? I take these pills to keep me sane But what if they’re the reason I never change Maybe Bandaids only serve to hide old scars That form a roadmap to better days Have I obscured that which from I should learn Chosen comfort for fear of these burns Have I adapted to survive or have I grown numb to my own self-deceit

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released July 29, 2022

Recorded and mixed by Ryan Khan Logan
Artwork by Greg Laraigné
Graphic design by Jacynthe Bellemare

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Bucky Harris Montréal, Québec

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